When You Stop Existing

Back in November my Master left me. There wasn't any warning signs...just a text that he didn't want me anymore and that this will be the last message I got from him. My world stopped. It messed up my whole day completely. He erased me from everything. To him I didn't exist anymore. I was a nobody. Why would the person that was suppose to love me and care for me not want me anymore.

For the first three weeks I'd cry every morning when i woke up. i cried during the day when i was alone. i cried every time i heard his name and i cried every night to sleep. Trying to go through the day as if nothing was happening was very hard. when you have to be at work or in class and you have to put your feelings to the side and choke on them so no one knows whats wrong. i begin to fall into a depressive state. More tears and then i began to eat to try to make myself happy and that didnt work. I gain 30 pounds. Im the heaviest i have ever been in my life.

The days went by and he didnt even try to contact me. And then it start to hit. He doesnt want me anymore...what have i done. i start blaming myself..maybe it was something i had done. what did i do wrong. i begin to start cutting myself again. in my mind i couldnt do anything right. I began to isolate myself from everyone. i didnt want to live anymore. i really wanted to hurt myself bad. i wanted to hurt him to. i wanted him to suffer how im suffering...

I then turned to someone i didnt think i would have turned to...his ex-slave. She was there for me and he helped me through. she told me it would be okay and that i should focus on myself for the time being and live. i started to talk to her on the daily or when i felt sad and i needed to cry she was there for me...and i love her for that..

But i guess there is always some type of happy ending to everything. its march and things between MAster and i have been on since the beginning of February. Although he has come back to me our relationship is still complicated. For me my walls were up and have come down and are slightly back up again. im still trying to trust him. hes hurt me and theres a lot of making up to do before its all patched up. Do i still love him...of course with all me heart. will this make us better as a couple...maybe....is the damage already done to late...who knows. all i know is that he loved me  enough to come back....

Song Selection: Rihanna- Needed me

Trying to lactate

It started with Master wanting me to lactate, which I was over joyed for because I've always wanted to do it but never told Him abut it. He said I needed to get my hands on domperidone and that I needed to massage my boobs a certain number of times and for how long. I think it's been a month, month and a half and we really haven't gotten anywhere. There was times when my breast were nice and full and I was producing small amounts of milk, but I'm not now. There is completely nothing coming out. It's making my emotions go up and down. Mostly down. I want to do nothing more than produce milk for Master. That's my main focus. That is what keeps me in this race.

But this whole process brings new sensations. I feel that my nipples are being split open with a blade. Sometimes is just feel so much pressure. At night its different. MY NIPPLES ARE ON FIRE!! I toss and turn because of it. I cant even sleep on my stomach. When i do the sensation gets super intense. At times i have to put ice packs on them to keep it together.  When i shower now its like my nipples are being open. This stuff is all new to me. Not to forget the cramping i get. Its intense but its tolerable at times.

I know i have to be patient, but i am not a patient person. When i cant produce results i feel useless like i have failed. I need to stop thinking like that but when you're the only person that trying to make it work you have doubts in yourself. The pressure is all on me. And i not putting the blame on Him, Its not much He can do anyway. I'm the one with the tits i'm the one everything falls on. I just need to stay calm, not stress out and be positive. Slow and steady wins the race right. Its a slow bumpy ride. And i don't want to over load myself with pills and herbs and all the extra stuff that you can take to get some results. I'm going to hit the restart soon. Ill have to draw out a plan get it approved by Master and see what happens from there. If nothing happens then we'll just go to the drawing board and figure out other possibilities. I wont be my own defeat. Plus its something i really want so i refuse to be the cause to stop it. I have even changed the times i take my pills and how often i massage my breast. hopefully that will have some type of effect on it.

 Until then happy milking :)

Long Time No See

Some days have passed since I saw Master. Let me see if I can remember all or most that happened.

 The bruises on my bottom are no longer there….sigh. My lip healed up. I miss looking at it in the mirror every morning. Who would have thought I like the taste of my own blood? I still remember when he hit me in it and I felt it running down. I got really excited about it; like something in my mind said YES THIS IS WHAT I WANT… MORE! Master could hit all day if he wanted and it’ll make me melt. We got to try out the new cane we got..and this time we didn’t stop because I asked him to….it was because I was being loud lol. I wonder how far I could have gone if I were able to be that loud. Anyway it still hurt like hell.
I remember Master shoving that last ping pong ball in to my vagina…it hurt, but felt amazing at the same time, then he proceeded to fuck my throat as my head hung off the bed.  I didn’t fight him this time like I usually do. Trying something new where he ALWAYS get what he wants. And now is when he decided he wants to piss in my mouth… Here’s the thing, piss play doesn’t turn me off…but it also doesn’t get me excited how Master gets excited. Not sure if it ever will but this time around I more than liked it. It was a bit more tolerable. Would have been more tolerable if I wasn’t upside down trying to swallow it. I was then leaning in the bath tub where Master was emptying the rest of him in me. This is where looking back on it grossed me out. He left a puddle on the floor and he told me to lick and suck it up….Okay I’m all for it but it was off a bathroom floor of a place we have never been to and I guess we weren’t thinking in the moment. EWWW never again.. but still it was enjoyable. I didn’t complain… I think after that he smoked a cigarette and put the ashes in my mouth… Not sure if this was the point where I was starting to get ticked off at. Things were starting to shift in me.
We moved on to this huge plug that I know is not going to fit in this small pussy of mine but He insisted I try to get it in me anyway. Guess I got a little smart and out of nowhere Master puts me in this head lock. Took me by surprise but of course I loved it. However after that I still wasn’t doing things right for him so he did it himself.. On my back I was and feeling split open. I think I was closing my legs and trying to get away from him when he started to slap and punch me. I was crying, but I didn’t feel any of his hits though. That right there should have been a clue but I ignored it. I remember when he caned the inside of my legs and surprisingly it didn’t hurt as much as I thought. This part I know was the highlight of his day.. Getting to fuck my ass without lube!!! Did it hurt like hell…fuck yes!! But now that I think about it it wasn’t so bad… He had me suck myself off of him and I happily did it.

 Finally we are getting to what I love best. Sucking his cock. Its true…it brings the slut out of me when I get to have him in my mouth. Im having a nice grand time then he starts to take control. At first my mind said okay let him have it. But the switch flipped when he threw his leg around my neck and I couldn’t move. I was beyond pissed off and it took all the strength in me not to explode. I think he sensed this since he stopped to ask what was wrong… I gave my pissed off response but he knew there was something more… He always know. I still gave him a pissed off response. He asked me again, this time softer. His voice changed…that’s how I knew it really mattered. I told him I’m trying so hard not to bite his dick off.. And I was not kidding. I was ready to fight fire with fire. I was ready to dig into him. I was waiting for him to hit me or something so I could flip on him. All I saw was black and I was ready. That was the end of my sucking time and I was relieved.

It all ended with me getting to ride Master something he doesn’t let me do very often but I was oh so grateful. All and all I did enjoy myself. But hours after it made me miss him more…and the day after that all I wanted was his attention….which I didn’t get and it gets me antsy to the point where I start feeling Jekyll and Hyde like. Something we need to work on.    

Broken

It's hard going months without Him... yes we talk here and there, but it's not the same....and the further apart it is the the more I make myself suffer.... it's hard to communicate when you feel you're the only one doing it. There are never direct answers and you always have to fill in the blanks yourself because you're never going to get them. You cry because you feel you aren't worth it...you're not worthy of Him and you'll never be...i always feel like that in all of my relationships....maybe I'll never be worth it to anyone...I always feel alone even with you you're still distant....i feel cut into pieces....what do you want from me? What do you want from us...qquestions tthat'll never get answered. All I want is to for you to love me....but it's bad because I don't even love myself...I want that closeness we once had again.... I wish you could feel the pain I feel. ..words can't describe it......bUT at the end of the day...I know I'm forever broken and not worthy...

Why so calm?

Its been some time since I last seen my Master. Normally when there's some distance between us i get antsy...REAL antsy. At the moment however, im calm. His little piggy is calm. Doing things Master wants her too...Stretching all of her holes for Him. I do have that needy feel but doing what Master wants lessens it. That and thinking of Him 24/7. As Master has told me countless times there is nothing to get all excited about. And He's right....He's always right..

Mind Fuckery

Mind Fuckery is one hell of a thing. It can be exciting  or it can very well be terrible. In my case i guess it is not so terrible..

These past couple of days i have been a very calm person; too calm in my opinion. But why is that? Well i have a mind that can lead me to a tunnel of "things that are only in your imagination," and are very much different from what my Master thinks so i try to shut all mental communications down. 

I'll give an example, Master and i haven't had sex in six months.. Yes this is a sexual relationship but sometimes we don't get around to it, i don't see him as often and the mere fact that living arrangements are not 24/7.....not having sex in my mind has made me feel less sexy. i know i'm sexy and i know my Master finds me sexy but i don't feel it. That sounds really jumbled. How can one know they are one thing but they feel the opposite way about it. 

 I can hear some of you sighing sand pushing out the OMGs. 

Reservations for 3

That day is finally coming. I get to play with Daddy and another person. I'm pretty excited, anxious, nervous and most of all overwhelmed.

Before when Daddy and I talked about this I was sort of not happy about it. I didn't want to share Him and definitely not with someone he use to own. But now I'm more eager to try it out.

I've always wanted to taste a woman...know what she smells like. Just thinking about my mouth on her pussy slurping away at her or the thought of Daddy watching his slave play with another gets me wet. Hmmm....i wonder what her nipples feel like..what her mouth feels like or if she's sadistic like Daddy....i wonder a lot about her. I wonder what she'll say when its over.

Not to mention, the different angles of play for everyone. Daddy sees a slave and a sub at once. She sees a slave and a Dom at once, and I see two Doms at once. And that's the overwhelming part for me. I'm at the bottom of the food chain. I get twice as much of everything...but I look at the bright side of things. I get to make Daddy very happy while he's happy to show me off.

But I wonder...is the center of this play date Daddy...or is it sharing me...or could it be both?

Song Selection: Do What U Want- Lady Gaga ft. R.Kelly